A Self Portrait Is Frozen In Time, But The Artist Keeps Evolving.
“Reflect on a time you discussed an issue important to you with someone holding an opposing view. Why did you find the experience meaningful?”
Where Is My Passion?
Recently, my dad and I had a discussion, and he was very concerned. We were talking about how slowly I eat, even with food that I like. “You seem to do things very slowly, like eating, doing homework, even brushing your teeth.” he said. I can’t deny this, because I take about an hour to eat my meals, and I won’t mention how long I stay in the toilet. There are no rebuttals for this. He further interrogated me if I had a motivation to do anything, a motivation to do homework, self-improvement, to do things quicker. When I didn’t answer, he pressed further, asking if I had a passion. Something that drives and fulfils a person. Apparently, when people like doing things, they do it quick, just like reading a book to get to the ending, or eating quickly to get refills. His accusations come hard and fast. I don’t have any responses, and my head went blank. My dad finished me off with the ultimate blow, stating that perhaps I simply do not care about anything. It wasn’t long before the waterworks started, I started to feel really lost.
His accusatory tone made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like a malfunction of my heart. The more concerned my dad was, the more upset I became. My dad’s life motivation comes primarily from his hunger to improve, he is literally interested in anything and everything. He was shocked that I didn’t seem to share his passion for everything. It was a personal attack, and I went to bed upset, even though he later regretted what he said.
2. Who Am I?
Because I don’t have a passion, or strong opinions and interests, what is my identity? I feel that my identity is defined from communities, like my family, both through surname and upbringing, and school. These societies are what forms my beliefs, values, and interests. Individuals and societies label me as a “conscientious leader”, “studious daughter”, “mature big sister”, “diplomatic friend”, “discreet confidant”, and “easy-going student”. From the moment my sister was born, I was entrusted with the role of a big sister. I bear the responsibility of my younger siblings, and I need to be mature and responsible in front of the family all the time. I don’t mind taking up this role, however it’s hard to keep up appearances, especially when my siblings frustrate me. Despite these challenges, I try to be dependable and responsible, shaping me into the level headed leader I believe I am.
Some parts of my identity are more fluid, and can change as I grow, such as being an easy-going classmate or a discreet confidant. This is because as the pressure and stress ramps up, especially in school and work, I may lose the easy-going mindset. As peer pressure grows, being discreet may get harder in later years, and it is already happening with Instagram and WhatsApp.
I think the labels that have been assumed by society are very accurate, and I do try to present myself and act in this way. I am very conscious of how my behaviour affects others, and therefore I try to be aware of my actions or things I say. My social identity is similar to my personal identity, and I try to act as myself, because I want to be authentic, and I don’t want to force myself to be someone I’m not just to suit others.
3. Learning From Peeta.
My dad’s line of questioning reminded me of Peeta Mellark, from the Hunger Games. He plays the supporting character in the book. He didn’t have any major personality nor passions. Apart from his role and relationship with the protagonist, he didn’t stand out. To survive in the Hunger Games, one has to stand out, to gain sponsors, and often, step on others to make it to the top. Perhaps everyone is going through their own Hunger Games, their own world of survival, where standing out is the only guarantee to acceptance in school, societal approval, or even landing them a job. They have to be more intelligent than everyone else, more outspoken, more succinct, more beautiful, and more passionate.
By the end of the book, Peeta Mellark did survive, using his own ways, and sticking to his guns. Unlike the other characters in the book, he was kind, and that was how he established trusted relationships. Peeta is patient, and although at first he didn’t stand out, he was generous and won people over. Towards the end, he even became adept at playing the game to his advantage. From a reader’s perspective, one wouldn’t feel passionate about this unimpressive character. But I do agree with his stability and reliability. Similar to Peeta, I value being emotionally stable, and patient. I feel being reliable is more important than being super passionate because passion can sometimes lead to emotional ups and downs. Being a level headed leader should be someone who has excellent listening skills, who can do a thorough analysis on the situation, and then execute a solution that best suits everyone. Peeta Mellark is capable of being a leader because he can “read the room”.
4. “I paint self-portraits because I am the person I know best.”
This quote is from Frida Kahlo, an artist known for self portraits on identity. The experience with my dad changed the way I see myself, and how I would paint a self portrait. After this reflection, I am clearer about my identity, and finding my passion will reinforce and brighten the colour palette of my self portrait.